Amour de Diary - 2005

I was form 5 back then.


I study in a class of 40+ students and I am sitting at front line, although I am tall haha. Then, there was a girl sitting behind me. I have known her since form 4 and she possess a sweet voice.
Gosh, my heart is defenseless against sweet voices, it melt every time she speak.

Well, I do notice her since my early form 5. I do not know how everything was started but I remember we start to sms-ing each other every night. Chatting just about everything, from our daily activities to her family affairs. But, we do not speak, just sms.

Last time, I used to collect many unique messages, like joke messages, inspiration messages and etc la. You know, last time this kind of messages was very famous. So, I collect tonnes of them and send her tonnes of those messages to her every single day without failed, very lame kao-lui skill right? haha ;)

Well, sad to say that she was using maxis, and I am using digi back then and you know la, last time where got maxis youth club and digi-campus plan, hence I am facing financial problem every month to support my sms-ing fees, which was about 20cent per messages.

Later, I changed to maxis, which is my current number now ;) She is the reason for me to terminate digi and subscribe maxis. Because of her, I could enjoy the privilege of maxis youth club =) lolx

So, this goes on about half an year. Our 'relation' via sms have develop rapidly. The way we chatting through sms, is just like close.

But,

life in sms is not the same when we meet each other everyday in class. I know it is weird, cause I seldom spoke to her during class. Even if I did, the talk will be so casual. But, after school end and back to house, we will start our sms-ing fantasy. It is weird, but some how I have used to it after months in school.

When SPM is drawing near, we finally get in-relationship


in SMS world ........

Or I will prefer to called it virtual world. So, we get in-relationship in the virtual world.

The story is like this. On a particular night, our chatting through sms get heat-up and finally I sense her signal that telling me that she is ready for next level. So, i was nervous and decided to call her for the very first time.

So I called, the silly me, straight to the point. Asking her,

'Are you willing to become my girlfriend ?'

I still remember I do the calling at my house kitchen to avoid eavesdropping from my family member, lolx.

She told me she still need time to think. Well, I stumbled a while. Maybe because I caught her by surprise when I called her. But I am pretty sure that she was giving me a very clear signal. Whatever it is, I called her on the next day..

And she agreed. So, I was delighted? I donno, but the feel was good.

From that day onward, I knew that I can't be close to her via sms only, or the virtual world. So, I need to approach her at school. But,

it was holiday break before SPM-trial paper back then if not mistaken. So, I miss out the chances to meet her in school. Anywhere, our relation on the virtual world get closer. Good news was trial is coming and I realized that I would get the chances to meet her.

The silly me, I bought a gift from a shop and wrapped it up nicely. I placed on her seat and before the exam start. However,

I notice something different.

Whenever I tried to approach her, she avoided me. She dare not to talk to me. Being a guy, I understand her difficulty. She was shy perhaps. So, I am cool with that at first.

When we met in virtual world, I have asked if she would mind if others get to know about us. She reluctant and wish nobody will knew about it. I am quite sad at that time. Maybe this is the reason she avoided me in school. She afraid that her friends will notice about it.

Well, I am fat and ugly..

Maybe she is ashamed? There is an occasion when I asked her why she reluctant to let others know about it. She said, she was confused now. Last time, she got a sudden urge and really think about me. But now, she is confused. So, I was like.... never mind la, time will get everything together. And again, I cool with it.

Now, do you understand why I said virtual relationship? Though we have been in-relationship for about one months perhaps, but we never dated. Not even a movie or a quick lunch. But we are so close in virtual world.

Finally SPM passed. My class was organizing a trip to GENTING. Yesh! This is it.. both us agreed to join and have fun together in genting.

I was thinking, this is the chance for us to break the ice. I am ready to go-all-out.

However, disaster turnout instead of my sweet expectation. Apparently her gang of friends knew her stuffs and my gang of friends also knew. So, in one occasion, both of us, including our gang meet up for the very first time in a cafe at Genting (Cause we went to Genting separately and meet up at night for supper).

They all very 'seng mok' also. My gang push me to sit beside her and her gang push her to sit beside me. So, both of us end up sitting together. But we did not talk. I was thinking how to start a conversation.

Hell break loose !

When my Smart-Ass gang decide to leave the table and dump me alone. Only me sitting with her gang of girls and my shit-hole gang fly to nowhere. I was like... o shit. I can't click with the girls there. When my gang still here, I still have topic to talk with them. Now, everything was turning awkward. Well, I knew I must make my move. I need to talk with her because sitting silently over there, is very weird.

So, when I was prepared to start some chit-chatting with her,

(-__-")

She was hearing mp3 player. The situation is like this. I was sitting on her left side and she is sharing mp3 with her friend which sit on her right. Obviously she could only wear half of the headset.

But, she plug it on her left ear. (=_@")

I tried to call her name out of the noise created by her gang, but she did not react. Still humming on the songs from the mp3.

I felt so embarrassed, everyone can see that, she is so avoiding me. A big-fat-loser sitting beside her was so helpless and don't know what to do. My gangs have fled. I can't think of doing others thing to ease the awkward condition other than remain silent.

I am embarrass, sad, and angry. In a split second thought, I have the urge to kneel down and ask for her attention. I really going to do that!

But I didn't. I get up and walked away from that misery place. My tear was almost drop, but I hold it. There was one urgent thing I wanna do on that second.

'Dig out my Smart-Ass friends of mine and fuck them good and proper.'

When I was walking away, she called me. I reluctant to pick up the phone.

But I did. She said 'What is the matter? and am I ok ?'

I was totally fed up and tired, and I did not argue with her or anything. I just told her that I am alright and sleepy.

So, after screwing my gang I back to my room and played some card games + drank beer and then back to sleep.

That is the last time I saw her. After Genting case, we still sms-ing each other. But later, I realized that there is no point to continue. In fact, I can't forget the incident in Genting. So, I stop contacting her.

I went to work. For 3 months I didn't contact her. So was she, didn't contact me too.

Finally, a month before I start my form six. She contacted me via a sms. Asking 'how are you'

Well, without replying the question she answered, I decided to voice my suggestion. I suggest that....

We should end this...

Although, after months of 'loss-connection', logically, it mean in-direct break-up, but I think everything must have a proper ending. So, I formally ask her opinion to officially end this.

So, I have ended my 'virtual relationship' before my form six start. Frankly, I am traumatized. I lost my confident and my courage since then.

Well, but my Amour de story did not only end here, in fact, until today, I have stories to tell. But, let save those for next time ya ;)


So folks, here end my Amour de diary of 2005.